Dear Ann Cannon • A close childhood friend recently went through a divorce from an abusive husband, to whom she was married for several years. They married young, so now she’s basically entering the dating scene for the first time in her adult life, and she’s choosing to date men whom I categorize as creeps, weirdos and losers — pretty much what I thought of her ex-husband when I met him and was the maid of honor at their wedding. I realize every potential partner has his quirks, but these guys are morons who ask invasive questions on the first date and/or think it doesn’t make sense for someone who’s going to be a stay-at-home mom to have a college education. Yet she’s genuinely interested in pursuing relationships with them. I’ve expressed my opinions and frustration to her verbally, but she doesn’t change her habits. I don’t want to see my friend make the same mistake twice. What else can I do to help her make better choices in the dating pool?
— Overprotective Bestie
Dear Bestie • Here’s the deal about us humans: We gravitate to the familiar, even when the familiar is clearly toxic. Worse, we often don’t realize we’re doing just that. As you’ve correctly surmised, your friend is dating men who aren’t much better than the one she left behind because that’s what she already knows how to do.
I’m glad you’ve expressed your concern to her directly. You might recommend that she see a counselor who can help her understand that she deserves better and provide her with a few tools to help her make healthy choices. This suggestion, coming from a friend rather than a family member, may actually feel less threatening to her. The problem is that people often double down on what they’re already doing if they feel that their judgment is being called into question. Don’t be surprised if she reacts defensively, even angrily, to your well-meant advice.
Here’s another thought: Help her broaden the “dating pool” by introducing her to some men YOU know and respect. Is that a possibility?
Finally, you may end up watching your friend make yet another bad choice. It would be awesome if we could make everything all better for the people we cherish. Unfortunately, we can’t. Sometimes people are just going to travel down that hard road they’ve chosen (or not) in this life, and all we can do is stand by and offer them our love.
Dear Ann Cannon • Oxford comma or not?
— Team Oxford Comma
Dear Team • Because I majored in English back in the day when dinosaurs roamed the Earth looking for trees to eat, I had to refresh my memory here. The Oxford comma is that comma you put before the “and” in a list, right? So here’s an example: “The teams I don’t care about at all in baseball are the Mariners, the Marlins, the Rays, AND the Blue Jays.” See that comma right there after “the Rays”? It’s the Oxford comma. And apparently there’s a move afoot to put it out to pasture, which would make my sentence look like this instead: “The teams I don’t care about at all in baseball are the Mariners, the Marlins, the Rays AND the Blue Jays.” Notice that the comma is missing after “the Rays” this time. (Also for the record, I don’t care about the Rangers either.)
Here’s what I think. If the Oxford comma is still happy doing its job in Punctuation World, why force it to take an early retirement? (Unless you’re writing for a publication like The Salt Lake Tribune, which frowns on the Oxford comma.)
Dear Ann Cannon • Your advice column frustrates me because sometimes you don’t really give actual advice.
— Frustrated
Dear Frustrated • As my favorite Disney character, Eeyore, always says, “Thanks for noticing.”
When I was young, I spent a lot of time searching for all the Right Answers. But then Life happened, and I learned that there isn’t one way to do something. Instead, there are options that lead to different results — some of them better than others. That’s why I like to present choices and ask readers to think about where those choices might lead them.
I would like to point out, however, that I did tell a reader to go ahead and get a dog over her husband’s objections. She did. And they’re still married.
Do you have a question for Ann? Send it to askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.