Dear Ann Cannon • I moved to Salt Lake City from Seattle about six months ago. I am in my 50s, gay and outgoing. I’ve always had friends. I immediately got involved with nonprofit organizations and attended many meetings and gatherings. My problem is that I can’t make any new friends here. I’ve been told that Salt Lake is very cliquish and it’s tough to break into these groups. I’m giving it a year. What is your experience? Is this the reality of Salt Lake?
— Out of Towner
Dear Out of Towner • After receiving your question, I asked a number of people if they think Salt Lake City is especially cliquish. Some said yes. Some said no. Most agreed that you do need to be patient. They also suggested you do what you’re already doing, i.e. find ways to involve yourself in the community. While you have a right to feel frustrated that this hasn’t paid off, I’d encourage you not to retreat from this strategy. Yet.
Here’s an exercise a therapist suggested. Make a list of your interests. Then make a list of the things you could be interested in. Now scan the calendar of events found in the city’s various newspapers and let that guide your activities. Or check in with Meetup.com. And don’t be afraid to initiate gatherings yourself.
Classes are a good idea, too. The Osher Institute of Learning at the U. of U. offers a wide range of outstanding classes to adults 50 and older. If you like to read, join a book group, which you can find through the library system or a bookstore like the King’s English. If you’re religious, there are congregations that welcome members of the LGBT community. A good friend of mine met his husband in church here.
Hang in there.
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Dear Ann Cannon • How do you know when it’s time to put a dog down? My wife is hoping that we don’t have to make the decision — that our golden retriever, Lucy, will pass away quietly on her own. I think it would be kinder if we put her down, but I’m also worried this will make me look like the bad guy in our family.
— Conflicted
Dear Conflicted • It’s never easy to say goodbye to a beloved pet. I’m sorry that you’re facing this moment. It’s also difficult to decide when to say goodbye. Because I’ve lived with dogs and cats all my life, I have had some experience on this front, which leads me to favor your approach over your wife’s, frankly. Still. The signs that an animal should be put down aren’t always as clear as one might wish. Here are a few guidelines.
The aging pet no longer seems as interested in eating and drinking as it once did • We’ve owned every kind of spaniel imaginable and here’s the deal: A spaniel will eat literally anything. We had one cocker who crawled into the kitchen sink and stuck his nose down the disposal looking for leftovers. (Don’t worry. The disposal wasn’t on.) So when a spaniel stops eating and drinking, you know it’s time to think about saying goodbye.
The pet is no longer mobile • If you have to regularly carry a pet outside so it can relieve itself, you should ask yourself if this is sustainable for both of you.
The pet is incontinent • I wouldn’t put a pet down for this reason alone. But incontinence in an older dog is usually a sign of systems shutting down.
The pet experiences chronic pain, and/or extreme measures must be taken to keep the pet alive • It’s important to consider an animal’s overall quality of life. We sometimes let pets suffer because WE can’t bear the thoughts of losing them. However, I think the focus should always be what’s best for them, not for us.
Once you’ve made the decision to say goodbye, you need to decide if you’ll be there in the end. I personally opt for being present to ensure that a pet’s last memory is of someone who loved it.
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Dear Ann Cannon • How old should my cat be before I tell him that he was adopted?
— Trying to Be Sensitive
Dear Sensitive • Thanks. I needed this.
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