Dear Ann Cannon • I have two longtime friends who recently started dating each other, and it’s freaking me out.
Some backstory: I’ve seen several friends-dating-friends situations go poorly before, with me stuck in the middle when the relationship goes south — including an instance that also ended a friendship for me.
Though I love to hear all the gory relationship details — and my curiosity about these two seeming opposites is off the charts — my instinct is to stay as far away from this as I can. But I am worried about coming across as disapproving when I shut down conversations about the relationship, and I don’t want to sound pedantic by explaining, “Now see here, I don’t think I can be involved for X and Y reasons.” I also don’t want to be a harbinger of gloom (“When you inevitably break up …”). So what, if anything, should I say when one or the other tells me about their plans?
— Wary
Dear Wary • The situation you describe is exactly why anti-fraternization rules exist in some workplaces — to protect office morale and prevent collateral damage to office bystanders in case a romance blows up.
I think your instinct to put some distance between you and this budding relationship is a good one. You can do that by not asking your friends questions about it, even if you’re dying (I know I would be!) to hear “all the gory details.”
So what do you do if either friend brings up the topic with you? I don’t think you have to say anything specifically to shut down the conversation. You can listen and smile and indicate that you love both parties VERY MUCH and that you wish them both THE VERY BEST. Then (maybe?) you can attempt to move the conversation in another direction. That way, if and when this couple break up, you will have politely signaled to them all along that you are not Team This or Team That.
Or at least we can hope. These things are always easier on paper than they are in real life.
The challenge for you right now will be to rein in your natural curiosity about the course of (possibly) true love and resist the temptation to ask questions. Be strong. You can do it!
—
Dear Ann Cannon • My three siblings and I are faced with the ugly reality of telling our mother to discontinue driving due to her slowed response time and fragility at an advanced age. There was hope she would graciously make this decision herself and do just that. But so far that hasn’t happened, and I don’t think it will. Any suggestions about how to handle this situation?
— Concerned Daughter
Dear Concerned • My mother vividly remembers the day her father handed over his car keys without any prompting. Although he’d been both a bus driver and a mail carrier in rural Wyoming, my grandfather came to the conclusion on his own that it was time to leave the driving to somebody else.
“That was the greatest gift he ever gave me,” my mother has said.
Many adult children aren’t so lucky. Like you and your siblings, they’re faced with the unenviable task of asking a parent to essentially give up his or her independence.
I’ve seen families take different approaches. Some stage “an intervention” with all the siblings present, so that each one can express his or her concern for the safety of the parent, as well as for others who share the road. Some families select one sibling — the one a parent will actually listen to — to make the case for not driving anymore. And some recruit a trusted non-family member, such as a primary health-care provider, to do the job.
All approaches require kindness and sensitivity. None of us likes to acknowledge diminished capacity — in ourselves or in the people we love.
It must be said, however, that all of these approaches generally meet with resistance, even fierce anger, which is why many families often resort to hiding the keys and hoping there isn’t a second set somewhere.
This is a hard thing for all of you — your mother and your siblings. Good luck.
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