Serving in the kingdom of God has its spiritual and social benefits, but it’s not all paradise for the spouses of Protestant pastors.
Indeed, dealing with parishioners and the loneliness of shepherding a flock of sometimes recalcitrant sheep can be a taste of hell, a recently released LifeWay Research survey indicates.
The study, which questioned 722 pastoral spouses by mail June 21-Aug. 2, revealed that 90 percent of respondents felt that the “ministry has had a positive effect” on their families.
Further, 85 percent agreed their churches “take good care of us.” However, 68 percent of pastors’ life partners worry their savings won’t be enough for retirement.
“I don’t think anyone goes into full-time ministry for the personal financial possibilities,” says Amanda Jacobson, whose husband, Chad, is pastor of the nondenominational City Church in Sandy.
“We try to plan ahead the best we can and trust God to fill the gaps that we can’t,” she adds. “[But] there is always concern, with four children, that we won’t be in a great place when that time [retirement] comes.”
Nearly half (49 percent) acknowledged that, as pastors’ spouses, they often feel like they live in a fishbowl, being held to high standards — sometimes higher than those of their parishioners — by those in the pews.
“I try not to feel that way, but you are under the spotlight, so to speak,” says Marta Hope, a mother of three — with one on the way — and wife of the Rev. Paul Webber of Hope Lutheran Church in West Jordan.
“Naturally, being a pastor’s family, you are held to a higher standard. We try not to put any of that pressure on the children, though,” she adds, while stressing Hope Lutheran’s congregants are “very kind and caring toward us.”
Amanda Jacobson says some churchgoers expect to see “the perfect Christian life” exhibited by their pastors.
“We are people just like everyone else,” she says, “and we have struggles and difficulties.”
The LifeWay survey also reports that 69 percent of the respondents worry about church commitments limiting family time.
Then, there are the inevitable conflicts. The survey notes that nearly three-quarters (72 percent) of spouses reported experiencing “resistance in the church.”
For Marta Webber, that has not involved conflicts of “any great degree,” though she allows there have been “minor personality” issues common to any group of people.
Amanda Jacobson agrees. “The hardest part for me [about resistance] is knowing my husband’s heart, how much time he spends in prayer and how much he cares about people.”
Then, there is the emotional isolation of the parsonage. Sixty-nine percent of the survey’s spouses agreed that they “have few people they can confide in.”
Neither of the Utah pastors’ wives was a survey participant, but both understand the feeling.
“That’s true as far as church members go. I try to be pretty careful in what I say, just for the sake of not hurting anyone,” Marta Webber explains. Instead, she will “usually talk to a trusted family member if something is on my mind.”
Amanda Jacobson says that the ministry can indeed be “a very lonely place, especially for a pastor’s wife. The expectation . . . is that we have a perfect home, perfect kids and perfect lives.”
“It’s hard to be vulnerable sometimes,” she adds. “Our reality doesn’t meet the perception that exists.”
Still, Amanda and Chad Jacobson see City Church as their extended family, one “with many caring people [who] are there for us as much as we try to be there for them.”